Identity
One of the most consistent pieces of advice given to women who are unhappy with their relational or social circumstances is that their standards are too high. Lower them. Be more realistic. Stop being so picky.
This advice is worth examining honestly.
Standards are not a checklist of ideal attributes you are screening other people against. That is a fantasy list — often based on surface qualities — and it is genuinely unhelpful.
Genuine standards are something different: they are your clarity about how you deserve to be treated. They are the internally held, honestly examined minimum requirements for how your time, energy, and emotional presence will be engaged.
A woman with genuine standards is not looking for the perfect person. She is clear about what is unacceptable to her — and she means it.
Genuine standards come from self-knowledge and self-respect. The woman who knows what she values, understands how she needs to be treated to thrive, and respects herself enough to hold that line — her standards are not arbitrary. They are the practical expression of her self-understanding.
This is distinct from performance standards — the standards a woman holds to signal something to the world rather than to genuinely honour herself. Performance standards collapse under pressure. Genuine standards hold, because they are grounded in something real.
The standard that is "too high" is generally the one that asks for basic respect, basic honesty, and basic consistency. These are not excessive requirements. They are the minimum conditions under which genuine connection is actually possible.
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The framing of standards as "too high" is a mechanism that works primarily to make women tolerate less than they should. When a woman hears "your standards are too high," what she is often really hearing is "you are asking for something this person is unwilling to provide."
That is not a problem with her standards. It is information about the person.
Standards are not rigidity. A woman with genuine standards can be flexible, warm, generous, and deeply open to connection — while remaining clear about what she will not accept.
The confusion arises because many women have never been taught the difference between genuine standards (which are non-negotiable) and preferences (which are flexible). Genuine standards concern how you are treated, not who the person is or what they look like.
Related: Self-Respect Is Not a Mood — It Is a Practice · The Woman Who Knows Her Worth · How to Hold Standards Without Being Rigid
Your standards are not the barrier to connection. They are the condition for genuine connection. The Good Girl Delusion helps you build the self-knowledge to hold them.
Nancy GLO
Reflective storyteller & style curator for women becoming
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