Identity
There is a version of "standards" that has become its own problem: the armour version. Standards held not from genuine self-knowledge and self-respect, but from fear — fear of being hurt again, of being wrong again, of being vulnerable again. This version of standards functions primarily as protection rather than discernment.
The result is a woman who is defended against everything, including the genuine connection and growth she actually wants.
This is not the goal. The goal is to hold genuine standards — clearly, warmly, firmly — while remaining genuinely open to what meets them.
Genuine standards are grounded in self-knowledge. They are specific, honestly held, and concern how you are treated — not who someone is aesthetically or superficially. They are held with equanimity rather than anxiety.
Defensive armour is grounded in past hurt. It tends to be broad (a general mistrust rather than specific requirements), vigilant (constantly scanning for evidence of the feared outcome), and brittle (it does not hold calmly; it holds anxiously and breaks reactively).
The distinction matters because only genuine standards serve you. Defensive armour keeps out the harmful and the good in equal measure.
Ask yourself: what specifically is my concern here? If you can answer specifically — "I need to see that someone takes my needs seriously" or "I cannot be with someone who is not honest, as demonstrated by these specific behaviours" — you are working from genuine standards.
If you cannot articulate the specific standard clearly — if it is more of a general wariness or a pattern of looking for the flaw before the connection has had time to develop — it may be worth examining what is actually driving it.
Know which things are genuinely non-negotiable. These are few. Most of what we think of as standards are preferences — genuinely held preferences, but not the things that are actually incompatible with your wellbeing. The non-negotiables are worth identifying precisely because they are few.
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Allow time and information before applying your standards to a situation. Standards are not snap judgements. They require enough information to be applied accurately. The discerning woman watches and waits with genuine openness before concluding that something does or does not meet her standard.
Hold the standard without holding it against the person in advance. A person who does not meet your standards is not an enemy. They are simply someone who is not the right fit for what you need. The standard can be held without contempt.
Stay curious. Rigidity and curiosity cannot coexist. The woman who remains genuinely curious about people and situations — who is interested in understanding before judging — will find that her standards remain clear and her openness remains genuine.
Related: What Having Standards Actually Means · The Art of Discernment · The Woman Who Knows Her Worth
Standards and genuine openness can coexist — and they must, if you want the life you are building. The Good Girl Delusion helps you find the balance.
Nancy GLO
Reflective storyteller & style curator for women becoming
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