How to Take Up Space as a Woman Without Apologising

Space, for women, is political.

Not always consciously — but the pattern is consistent. Women who take up physical space, vocal space, and psychological space in ways commensurate with their size, their intelligence, and their significance are frequently penalised for it. The woman who sits with her elbows out, who disagrees clearly, who claims credit for her work, who does not immediately defer to the senior person in the room — she is often experienced as somehow too much.

The response to this pattern, for many women, is to make themselves smaller. To apologise for their presence, their opinions, their needs, their success. To perform a smallness that does not serve them but that keeps the social environment comfortable.

This guide is the argument for stopping.

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The Smallness Training

The training toward smallness is typically early, subtle, and culturally embedded. Girls learn, through feedback and observation, that certain amounts of space — physical, vocal, relational — are appropriate for them. They learn to apologise for their needs, to minimise their achievements, to defer in intellectual discussions, to make their bodies smaller in public spaces.

In Nigerian and African family systems, this training can take specific forms: the expectation that girls defer to elders, that daughters' voices carry less weight than sons', that women's opinions in certain domains are properly offered only through the mediation of appropriate male authority. These are not universal features of African culture — but they are common patterns in specific family systems and communities.

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What Taking Up Space Actually Means

Taking up space does not mean being loud, aggressive, or inconsiderate of others. It means inhabiting the space that is genuinely yours — with your full physical presence, your actual opinions, your genuine needs, your real capabilities.

Physically: Sitting comfortably without contracting into the minimum possible space. Walking at your own pace rather than moving aside reflexively for others. Being present in your body rather than performing its minimisation.

Vocally: Speaking at the volume required to be heard. Finishing sentences. Not uptalking every statement into a question. Asking for what you need in clear, direct language.

Intellectually: Contributing your actual perspective rather than the perspective you believe will be most welcome. Disagreeing when you disagree. Claiming the credit for work you have done.

Temporally: Taking the time you need rather than rushing through your contributions to take up as little of others' time as possible.

If this reflection is resonating, the work goes deeper in the book. Read The Good Girl Delusion →

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Practising It

Taking up space is uncomfortable at first — particularly for women who have been thoroughly trained toward smallness. The discomfort is not evidence that you are doing something wrong. It is evidence of the gap between the training and the new behaviour.

Practice in small, daily moments:

• When you walk into a room, walk in fully.
• When you have a perspective in a meeting, express it without excessive qualification.
• When someone asks you what you want, say what you actually want.

The accumulation of these small moments builds the habit, and the habit builds the confidence.

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The Good Girl Delusion goes deeper into this work. Read The Good Girl Delusion →

If you want personalised support, coaching is also available. Explore Coaching →

Related: Building Real Confidence as a Woman · How to Speak Up for Yourself · Overcoming the Fear of Judgement