How to Speak Up for Yourself Without Feeling Like You're Too Much

The fear of being "too much" is one of the most specific and consequential fears in many women's lives. Too much need. Too much opinion. Too much presence. Too much — full stop.

This fear operates as a volume regulator on the full expression of who you are. It turns down your voice when you have something important to say. It suppresses a need when it might inconvenience someone. It swallows a boundary when the boundary might cause friction.

And it is, in most cases, a lie.

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Where "Too Much" Comes From

The specific fear of taking up too much space — wanting too much, asking for too much, expressing too much — is almost always culturally and relationally learned.

In many families and cultural contexts, girls are explicitly and implicitly trained toward smallness. The good girl does not demand. The polite girl does not insist. The modest girl does not trumpet her own needs.

In Nigerian and African family systems specifically, the cultural emphasis on communal harmony and respect for hierarchy can produce a particular version of this training: a woman who has been taught that her individual needs and opinions are less important than the collective harmony, and who carries this training into adult relationships and professional contexts where it often does not serve her.

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What Speaking Up Actually Requires

The recognition that your needs are legitimate. Not more legitimate than others' — equally legitimate. You are not asking too much when you ask for what you need. You are participating in the basic human exchange of having and expressing genuine needs.

The distinction between speaking up and aggression. Many women conflate self-assertion with aggression — the fear is not just of being too much but of becoming someone harsh, demanding, or selfish. This conflation makes self-assertion feel like a character threat rather than a communication skill. Self-assertion is simply clear, direct communication of your experience, needs, or perspective. It is not attack.

The tolerance for others' discomfort. Speaking up sometimes produces discomfort in others — particularly in people who have become accustomed to your silence. Learning to tolerate that discomfort without collapsing back into silence is one of the most important skills in learning to speak up.

If this reflection is resonating, the work goes deeper in the book. Read The Good Girl Delusion →

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Practical Entry Points

Start in lower-stakes situations. Send the food back when it is not what you ordered. Tell the friend honestly that a meeting time does not work for you. Express a preference when you are asked for one. These small moments are practice for the larger ones.

Use first-person language. "I feel," "I need," "I want" — these constructions keep the communication grounded in your experience rather than framed as an accusation or a demand.

Separate the speaking from the outcome. The goal of speaking up is not always a changed outcome. Sometimes the goal is simply that you were honest — that your experience and needs were expressed rather than suppressed. The outcome of being heard or getting what you asked for is separate from the act of having spoken.

Prepare for important conversations. When a significant conversation needs to happen, think through what you actually need to say before you say it. Clarity in your own mind before the conversation reduces the chance that anxiety will override your intended message.

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The Good Girl Delusion goes deeper into this work. Read The Good Girl Delusion →

If you want personalised support, coaching is also available. Explore Coaching →

Related: Building Real Confidence as a Woman · How to Become More Assertive · Emotional Boundaries Guide