Identity
The fear of crossing the line from assertive to aggressive is one of the most reliable reasons women remain silent when their voice is needed. Understanding the actual distinction — clearly, specifically — removes the fear and makes assertiveness development much more straightforward.
Assertiveness is the clear, direct, respectful expression of your needs, feelings, opinions, and preferences. It respects both your own rights and the rights of others. It does not require others to comply — it expresses what is true and what you need, leaving the other person free to respond.
Aggressiveness is the expression of your needs at the expense of others' — through threat, hostility, disrespect, or coercion. It does not respect the other person's rights or wellbeing.
The key difference: assertiveness invites; aggression demands or threatens. Assertiveness maintains relationship; aggression damages it.
A woman who says "I need more notice when our plans change — can we agree to 24 hours when possible?" is assertive. A woman who says "You are so selfish and inconsiderate, you always do this" is aggressive (or more precisely, passive-aggressive-leaning).
The content of both communications might be about the same underlying issue. The difference is in the approach.
The fear is not unfounded. Women who express themselves directly and clearly are disproportionately labelled aggressive relative to men expressing themselves identically. The double standard is real.
But allowing the double standard to prevent all assertiveness is not the answer. The answer is developing genuine assertiveness — which is both effective and genuinely distinct from aggression — and allowing others to distinguish between the two over time.
Use first-person statements. "I feel," "I need," "I would prefer" — these anchor the communication in your experience rather than in accusations about others' behaviour.
Be specific rather than global. "When you interrupted me in the meeting, I felt dismissed" is assertive. "You never let me finish anything" is aggressive in its generalisation. Specificity keeps the communication accurate and fair.
Express the need, not just the complaint. Assertiveness is not primarily about criticism — it is about communication of what you need. "I need us to spend fifteen minutes each evening without our phones" communicates a need. "You're always on your phone" expresses a complaint without providing direction.
Allow the other person to respond. Assertiveness is a communication, not a verdict. After expressing yourself, allow genuine space for the other person's response. This is different from backing down — it is respecting the relational nature of the communication.
If this reflection is resonating, the work goes deeper in the book. Read The Good Girl Delusion →
The Good Girl Delusion goes deeper into this work. Read The Good Girl Delusion →
If you want personalised support, coaching is also available. Explore Coaching →
Related: How to Speak Up for Yourself · Emotional Boundaries Guide · Building Real Confidence as a Woman
Nancy GLO
Reflective storyteller & style curator for women becoming
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