Identity
There is a persistent cultural narrative that places confidence and femininity in tension — the idea that a truly confident woman is, by definition, somehow less feminine. That assertiveness is masculine. That self-possession conflicts with softness. That a woman who knows what she wants and says it clearly has left femininity behind.
This narrative is not just wrong. It is harmful. And it specifically disadvantages the women who have internalised it — who suppress either their confidence or their femininity in the belief that having both is not possible.
The confidence-femininity binary is built on a narrow definition of femininity — one that centres passivity, agreeableness, and self-effacement as the defining qualities of being a woman.
This definition is not universal. In many cultural traditions — including Yoruba and broader West African cultures — femininity is not defined by passivity. The market woman who drives a hard bargain, the grandmother whose word carries authority in the family, the queenmother in Ghanaian tradition who wields genuine political power — these are deeply feminine figures who are also deeply confident.
The association between femininity and self-effacement is a specifically Western, specifically modern, specifically class-coded construction — and it has been exported and absorbed in ways that don't always reflect the actual traditions of the cultures that have adopted it.
Genuinely confident femininity is not the hardening or masculinisation of the feminine. It is femininity that has not been diminished by the need for approval.
It looks like:
Warmth without depletion. The naturally generous and relational orientation that many women have — the care for community, the emotional attunement, the investment in others — expressed from abundance rather than from the desperate need to be seen as good enough.
Softness without weakness. The emotional openness that is genuinely feminine — the willingness to be moved, to feel deeply, to be present with one's own and others' emotional experience — not performing invulnerability, but not collapsing in the face of difficulty either.
Assertiveness in the feminine register. Not mimicry of masculine communication styles, but clear, direct, warmly courageous expression of what you need and believe. Many women communicate assertively in ways that are entirely and distinctly feminine — and are entirely confident.
Cultural pride without apology. For Nigerian and African women, the specific confidence of wearing your cultural identity fully — the Ankara, the gele, the traditional dress, the cultural knowledge and expression — is both profoundly feminine and profoundly confident. These are not in tension.
If this reflection is resonating, the work goes deeper in the book. Read The Good Girl Delusion →
The Good Girl Delusion goes deeper into this work. Read The Good Girl Delusion →
If you want personalised support, coaching is also available. Explore Coaching →
Related: Building Real Confidence as a Woman · What Is Quiet Confidence? · How to Take Up Space as a Woman
Nancy GLO
Reflective storyteller & style curator for women becoming
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