There is no formula for this decision. Anyone who offers you a clean list of conditions under which you should leave is offering you something simpler than the actual experience. The actual experience is more complex, more painful, and more human.
What I can offer is a framework for honest assessment — the specific questions that, answered honestly, produce more clarity than the question "should I stay or go?" alone.
If the relationship were exactly as it is now in five years, would that be acceptable?
Not the hoped-for version. Not the relationship as it could be. As it actually is right now. If the answer is genuinely no — if you can see yourself in five years of this, with this specific quality of interaction, this specific level of respect, this specific management of these specific difficulties, and the answer is no — that is important information.
Have I been clearly honest with my partner about what I need, and has the response been genuine engagement?
Many relationships that should not end are ended before genuine honesty has been attempted. A relationship in which you have never said clearly, "this is what I need and this is what is not working" has not yet been fully attempted.
But if genuine honesty has been offered and the response has been dismissal, defensiveness, or the same patterns continuing — that is also important information.
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What does the best version of this relationship feel like, and is that version available?
The best version of a relationship — the moments of genuine connection, genuine warmth, genuine partnership — is the data about what this relationship is capable of. If the best version is available only occasionally, or is diminishing over time, that is different from a relationship whose best version is regularly accessible.
What would I tell a friend in exactly this situation?
The advice we would give to someone we love — from some distance, with genuine care for their wellbeing — is often more honest than the advice we give ourselves, filtered through our investment and our hope.
Related: Why Women Stay in Bad Relationships · Red Flags You Should Actually Listen To · Self-Worth and Relationships
Leaving a relationship is one of the hardest things a woman can do. The Good Girl Delusion is for the woman who is trying to see clearly — and to trust what she sees.
Nancy GLO
Reflective storyteller & style curator for women becoming
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