The first limit you set is almost never the last thing you have to say about it. Most people — particularly those who have been benefiting from the absence of your limit — will push back. With questioning, with upset, with persistence, with guilt. And the pushback is often exactly where the limit collapses.
Understanding what pushback actually is — and what it is not — is what makes holding possible.
When someone pushes back against your limit, what is typically happening is one of these things:
Surprise. The limit is new. The other person is genuinely surprised because the pattern has not included this limit before. This is not necessarily resistant — it may simply require time for the adjustment.
Testing. Not necessarily deliberately, but behaviourally. Many people test limits before accepting them — pushing to see whether the limit is genuine or whether it is negotiable with enough pressure.
Genuine upset. Your limit may genuinely inconvenience or disappoint the other person, and their response is an honest expression of that. This is not evidence that you are wrong.
Manipulation. In some cases — particularly in dynamics with controlling or manipulative people — the pushback is a deliberate attempt to override your limit through emotional pressure.
The mistake is to treat all pushback as evidence that the limit needs to be reconsidered. Sometimes it does. But the fact that someone is upset about your limit is not sufficient reason to retract it.
The guilt induction ("I thought you cared about me"): "I do care about you. And this is still something I need."
The persistence ("Just this once"): "I understand that's frustrating. My answer is still no." Then stop explaining.
The upset ("I can't believe you're doing this"): Silence, or: "I can hear that you're upset. I'm still going to hold this limit."
The minimisation ("It's not that big a deal"): "It matters to me, which is why I've said something."
The counter-accusation ("You're being selfish"): "I can hear that's how it feels to you. I'm still going to hold this."
If holding your limits under pressure is where things keep breaking down, coaching can help you build the resilience and language to stay in it. Explore Coaching →
The most effective holding technique is the simplest: calmly, consistently, without escalating, restating the limit. Not arguing about it. Not providing additional justification (which opens the limit to negotiation). Just repeating it.
"I understand you're disappointed. I still won't be able to come." "I hear what you're saying. My answer is the same." "I know this is hard. I'm not going to change my position."
The limit does not need to be defended. It does not need to be won. It only needs to be held.
If this is opening something up, 1:1 coaching provides the space to go deeper. Explore Coaching →
The Good Girl Delusion explores the roots of these patterns honestly and offers a real path through. Read The Good Girl Delusion →
Related: The Complete Boundaries Guide · How to Say No Without Guilt · Boundaries With Toxic People
Nancy GLO
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