Identity
There are two common responses to conflict that share one quality: neither of them resolves it.
Shutting down — the withdrawal, the stonewalling, the "I'm fine," the sudden emotional unavailability — protects the person who shuts down from the discomfort of genuine engagement. It leaves the conflict unresolved and the other person without access to genuine connection.
Blowing up — the escalation, the attack, the flooding of the conversation with intensity that prevents the other person from genuinely being heard — relieves the internal pressure temporarily and, again, leaves the conflict unresolved while damaging the relationship.
Both responses are understandable. Both are products of nervous systems that are overwhelmed by conflict. And both prevent the actual work of conflict — which is mutual understanding, honest exchange, and, where needed, genuine change.
Regulation before engagement. If you or the other person is in a state of significant emotional activation — if the nervous system is in fight-or-flight — genuine dialogue is neurologically more difficult. Taking a pause is not avoidance. It is the practical prerequisite for effective communication.
Speaking to your experience rather than the other person's character. "When you said that, I felt dismissed" is very different from "You always dismiss me." The first speaks from experience and remains open to dialogue. The second makes a global character judgment that invites defensiveness.
Genuine listening. Not listening in order to respond — listening in order to understand. This requires enough emotional regulation to genuinely receive what is being said, rather than using the other person's speaking time to construct your counter-argument.
The willingness to be wrong. Genuine conflict resolution requires that both people hold the genuine possibility that they may be missing something — that the other person's perspective contains something true. The inability to hold this possibility produces conversations that are pure positional exchange rather than genuine dialogue.
Repair. Following significant conflict, intentional repair — the reconnection that rebuilds the sense of safety in the relationship — is necessary. This might be a conversation, a gesture, a period of genuine warmth. Whatever form it takes, it closes the conflict rather than leaving it suspended.
If this is bringing up more than you expected, 1:1 coaching can help you work through it with clarity and support. Explore Coaching →
The most important capacity for healthy conflict is emotional regulation — the ability to stay present with the discomfort of conflict without either escalating or withdrawing.
This is built through all the practices described in the emotional regulation article: physiological regulation, the naming of emotional experience, the development of a pause between trigger and response.
It is also built through the accumulated experience of conflicts that have been navigated well — which provides evidence that conflict is survivable and can resolve into closeness rather than damage.
If this is opening something up, 1:1 coaching provides the space and support to go deeper. Explore Coaching →
The Good Girl Delusion explores the roots of these patterns in depth and offers a genuine path through. Read The Good Girl Delusion →
Related: How to Regulate Your Emotions · Emotional Maturity Guide · How to Stop Being Defensive
Nancy GLO
Reflective storyteller & style curator for women becoming
Continue Reading
Identity
Rest is not laziness. It is not weakness. It is not something you earn after enough productivity. For women specifically — and particularly for Nigerian and Black women — it is an act of cultural defiance and biological necessity. This is your permission slip.
ReadIdentity
The soft life has become a significant cultural concept — particularly for Black and Nigerian women. Here is an honest account of what it actually means, what it does not mean, and why it matters as more than an aesthetic.
Read