On Ambition, Shame, and the Permission to Want Big Things

Ambition has a specific emotional texture for many women — particularly Nigerian women. It is not experienced cleanly, the way it might be experienced by a man who wants significant things. It comes with a coating of something else. Guilt. Self-consciousness. The vigilant monitoring of whether this desire for more is appropriate, seemly, permissible.

This coating is shame.

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Where the Shame Comes From

The cultural narrative that female ambition is unfeminine. Ambition — the desire for significant achievement, for impact, for recognition of one's capabilities — is coded masculine in most cultural frameworks. For a woman to want big things is to want things that are, implicitly, not hers to want.

The Nigerian womanhood script. Ambition is permitted to Nigerian women up to a point — education is valued, professional achievement is celebrated — but there is a specific ceiling. The ambition that exceeds the ceiling (that threatens, that is too visible, that produces a woman who is too independent, too prominent, too self-determined) attracts specific cultural censure.

The good girl prohibition. A good girl does not draw attention to herself, does not announce her desires, does not put herself forward. Ambition, almost by definition, requires drawing attention to yourself, announcing your desires, and putting yourself forward.

The jealousy of others. When you want and pursue significant things, some of the people around you will respond with something that is not support. This response — subtle or overt — teaches you to want quietly, to succeed softly, to minimize so that your wanting does not attract resentment.

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The Shame's Effect

Shame about ambition produces a specific pattern: the wanting continues (it does not go away because you are ashamed of it) but it is pursued furtively, qualified constantly, and taken less seriously than it deserves.

The woman ashamed of her ambition is not as dangerous (to herself, to the status quo) as the woman who wants clearly and without apology.

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The Permission

You are allowed to want things that are significant. Specifically, precisely, and without qualification.

Not because ambition is without cost — it is not. Not because wanting big things guarantees getting them — it does not. But because the desire for a full life, for significant impact, for the full expression of your capabilities — this is a legitimate human desire, and it is yours.

Want it. Say it. Pursue it.

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Related: On Being a Woman Who Wants More · How to Stop Playing It Small · How to Stop Waiting for Permission